What Am I Doing?

The Annoyance

2006-04-17T14:49:00.000-04:00

MH is a dick but guess what? So is ML! I sure know how to pick um.

MH proceeded to sleep through Easter because I snapped at him for rolling his eyes when I asked for assistance in getting the meal for 15 guests on the table.

Apparently, I embarrassed him.

Actually, I kind of feel bad for that.

Sometimes I can be mean and I really don't want to be. MH brings out the worst in me. Then again, so does ML so I suppose I am better off staying away from these two people entirely.

ML and I are communicating regularly.

As "friends" or whatever.

I am making no plans to go out of my way to see him at this point and if he wants to see me, he will be doing the planning, flying and paying. He is thinking of coming with the kids and I on our summer vacation.

I look at that as a "test" which sounds bitchy but bitchy is what I do best.

I am not going to "threaten" him with terminating the relationship because every time I do, he gets me back somehow. I just know that in as much as I hope that he gets the strength to make us a family eventually, if he can't make this vacation happen, he can't make anything happen.

MH is probably staying in the picture until ML makes up his fucking mind.

Oh, I must correct myself on his behalf....

He has MADE up his MIND, (he is just too much of a weakling to act upon it.)

I am tired today. Tired of the bullshit and tired of always having everything on my shoulders.

Where's my Marlboro Man?

The Hit Counter

2006-04-05T18:28:00.000-04:00

I have a hit counter at the bottom of the page which shows 205 hits as of today. Who are you people? Are you just clicking next blog and stumbling across my ramblings? I really don't care if people comment but I am curious if there are people that check in with this site.

This is my second blog. My first one is very popular and gets over 500 hits per day so I am not seeking attention and readers for this one but as I said, just curious.

ML and I have not talked, text or chatted on line today. That may not seem like such a big deal but going from hundreds of contacts a day to zip is a bit strange. Am I upset? Not in the least. Is he? I have no earthy idea.

I do hope he emails me about what happens with the lawyer he is "supposed" to see Friday and the marriage counselor where ML is "supposed" to break the news about wanting a divorce to LW.

I am not a particularly needy person but recently, I have begun to feel a vacancy in not sharing my life with anyone. MH and I never had that kind of relationship even when we got along.

What am I doing?

The Breakup

2006-04-04T18:24:00.000-04:00

Ml and I have broken up yet again. I hope this one sticks but it probably won't. He promised not to whine or cry to me and make me feel bad so maybe I can be strong this time and just get the fuck out of this mess.

He's never going to take care of us. He is too weak. ML can't even manage to tell his wife he wants a divorce! Apparently they are going to a marriage counselor next week and he plans to tell her there!?!

MH and I are getting along for now. That's because we have been having sex and men for some reason always feel closer to their women after getting laid. You'd think it would be the women that feel that way, but in my experience, no.

So much for prince charming saving me from myself.

Another weak man that I have to lead around. Are they all that way?

The Whatever

2006-04-01T11:55:00.000-05:00

ML and I are talking, making plans for a possible cruise in June so he can get acquainted with my kids. Who knows if that will happen?

MH tried to climb in my bed this morning to get laid. Wasn't happening. Now I have to listen to his big "plans" for us later tonight.

GGGRRRR.

What am I doing?

The Wimp

2006-03-22T12:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry been gone here and there. ML and I have been on a roller coaster ride from hell and I finally asked him today to simply disappear. He isn't going to leave her and that is FINE. Why can't he just say that and save his marriage? I told him I am not going to see him again until he ends his marriage.
Make a decision dude so I can make one.

He can't, he won't, whatever.

Then stop fucking whining over losing me you fucking wimp! Geez.

The Husband

2006-03-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

MH and I have a love hate relationship. He loves me and I hate him.

I only wish I were kidding.

Why am I still with him? Simply because it is the easiest thing to do right now. Leaving him is difficult and inconvenient. It will also be devastating to him. Who needs that shit if I don't have anything else to go to?

MH knows he is on borrowed time. He is well aware I am unhappy with the marriage and wish it had never taken place. I also think he realizes if he walked out tomorrow and I never heard from him again, I wouldn't shed a tear. My feelings for him are apathy, pity and occasional loathing.

That is it.

I will say that ML has shown me a glimpse of how a solid relationship could be.

However, I am really really bad at relationships. I am simply too moody, dominant and independent.

So, what am I doing?

The Text Message

2006-03-08T18:22:00.000-05:00

ML and I are in different time zones. His being the earlier. I received a text at 6am with his picture and a good morning. Due to the fact that I had just responded to his email of last night, I assume that is how he knew I was up. It freaked me out and I relayed that fact to him in my response. I also think I mentioned the word stalker.

Later in the morning, we spoke on the phone and I asked him what the hell he was doing awake at 3am? He replied that he was "thinking" and "had a lot" on his mind. I basically told him the shit that I summarized in my last post. I also told him that I really don't care if our relationship continues at the point. He didn't take too kindly to that.

Lets face it. The guy is making no move to plan a concrete future with me. It is all in some distant future when he gets the balls to take control of his own life. He blames his wife for "poisoning" everything he touches. Oh please, if he had moved a long time ago, both our lives would be very different right now.

One thing I will never be is the "other" woman. He can sleep on the couch and fight with his wife all he wants but she is still HIS WIFE and until he figures out what he wants, he needs to stop fantasizing about his life with me.

The Bottom Line

2006-03-07T11:55:00.000-05:00

I was thinking that there is a very good possibility that ML will find this blog. He was told that I have a private one and I wouldn't doubt he has gone looking for it. I really don't know how hard it would be to find.

Anyway, if that is the case, I guess getting up the nerve to spit all this out is no longer an issue.

I am writing here why ML and I will probably never have a future.

1. He is weak and I have taken care of one weak man too long to take on another.

2. He doesn't have the financial independence that I initially thought he had. I pay for my own tickets and quite honestly, I am over it. HE should be paying or at least paying half the time and he has split the price of a ticket exactly once. I am not interested in being the one footing the bill for everything anymore either. He also informed me that he had his cable turned off for non payment. WTF??? There is NO WAY I want someone like that as a permanent part of my life. He seems to make a good salary so I don't know what his problem is. Is he so far in debt that he can't get out or does he owe taxes or what? I guess regardless, I don't want that one bit.

3. His birthday present to me was crap. Less than crap, impersonal, hurtful, meaningless obligatory gift. He shouldn't have bothered with anything if that was the best he could do. ML commented that it was due to lack of funds but that is bullshit. The amount he spent on the impersonal gift could have been spent on something from the heart. If this is the first birthday gift, I know it will be all down hill from here.

4. He is indecisive and frightened about too many things. Translates back to that weak thing.

5. I have asked him to make the time to come visit my home state and he has yet to do that or make any plans to do that in the future.

I guess I should be grateful he is indecisive because if he had followed through on trying to become a permanent part of my life, we may still have gotten to this point. However, maybe if he was the type of person that DID follow through, we would be working on happilyeverafter about now.

Guess we will never know.

So now I am at the point that I need to tell him. I emailed him a note advising him to begin trying to resolve issues with his wife. He has not responded.

What am I doing?

The Realization

2006-03-06T09:11:00.000-05:00

Yup, over ML. I really was hoping my cold mood was due to hormones or something equally as inconsequential. Alas, no. I wonder how I could think I loved him to just not giving a shit if I ever hear from him in a matter of days?

I think I was pretty much over it when I attempted to end the "thing" a couple of weeks ago. I felt so bad over how hard he took it that I got pulled back in by guilt and obligation. Why obligation? I don't know why I feel an obligation to the men who love me. Maybe I feel like I "made" them love me and hence I "owe" them something.

How stupid is that?

I am not going to write or call or phone ML with the news we are over. I am going to allow things to go on as they have been, calling him less, texting him less and certainly not seeing him at all. Somehow I think he only needs to fall out of the habit of me and then we can go our separate ways.

LW has decided to start many dialogues with ML in an attempt to save their marriage. About time is what I think. He still hasn't gotten over his illness completely so the timing kind of sucks but at least she is behaving "normally". Whatever that means.

MH has had a shift change and is around a lot more than usual. I am not loving that one bit. However, I think the change will eventually help me to get out of my marriage. More on this later.

What am I doing?

The Cold Hearted Woman

2006-03-03T20:41:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking all day that I don't really want either one of them. Recently, I have been concerned that ML has money problems and I wouldn't take that one for anything. If he can't afford to allow me to continue to live the life I live and to contribute to that life, we the fuck needs him?
Today I have just been down on both of them. I have texted ML a few times checking on him because he is ill but ultimately, I really don't give a hoot and am glad LW is there to handle his whining and I don't have to do it. Is that love? I doubt it. Maybe I am pmsing?
Bottom line is, unless he comes through with an offer of moving close to me and being financially able to help me out, he and I can have nothing. I am too old to deal with someone who hasn't handled security by middle age.
I should just be alone and spare the men in my life the aggravation of me.

The Trip

2006-03-01T09:49:00.000-05:00

ML and I spent a nice weekend in Colorado. He was there on business.

These plans were made months ago and yet, after seeing the ring, I knew I did not want to go anymore. As a matter of fact, I had convinced myself that this was a done deal. I don't want it, need it or have the strength to deal with it.

ML fell apart. Literally.

I do not want to have that much influence on a person's life and psyche. I really don't. I felt terrible that he was hurting so much and therefore, couldn't refuse his text messages or his emails and in doing that, started us right up again.

I decided to meet him after all hours before I got on the plane. He told me not to come just to make him happy but to come for me.

I went to make him happy. It was a hassle for me.

On the first day, LW called a couple of times on ML's cell. He phoned her back once. When he didn't pick up or call her back the second time, she tracked down the number of the condo we were staying in and called that phone.

I was horrified and pissed beyond belief. I will not be forced to feel like some fucking whore when he claims he is separated so we can move forward. I yelled at him about how selfish it was for him to get me to CO under false pretenses while having LW call as if they are a happily married couple.

I left the room and overhead a phone conversation as he told her very firmly not to call at all unless someone has died.

I am well aware of how difficult the situation is and yet, we don't have a chance of making a life together if he is such a fucking pussy ass wimp.

The Ring

2006-02-24T08:55:00.000-05:00

ML and I were talking on video phone the other day and I saw his wedding ring on his finger. I have yet to sort out my feelings about that except that I had many and they were fucking strong. I am torn over ML telling his wife about us and yet, he needed to do that if we have a chance. Why was his ring back on?

"She kept asking me to put it back on so I did it to shut her up."

Hmmm. Do I believe him? Stupidly, I do. However, how can he walk around with a wedding ring on his finger and still attempt to bring "us" out in the open at the same time. If he is wearing his ring to work, that is a clear message that he is married and is remaining so.

This is getting too hard. I told him that it is over. Make up with his wife, get his life back on tracked.

I was supposed to meet him at a business meeting this weekend. I will not be going.

ML isn't taking this very well. He is not sleeping and dwelling on the loss of our relationship. A relationship that I am not even sure actually was one.

For him to be in my life, he needs to move, be able to help me financially and be accepted by my kids.

A tall order. One he probably can't fill.

In the meantime, I keep communicating with him because I am so worried about his state of mind.

What am I doing?

The Wife

2006-02-17T14:30:00.000-05:00

I think my lover and I could have a happy life together. Of course our spouses get in the way of that.
As unfair as this is, I do not like being the other woman. I wanted out of the relationship because my guilt over sleeping with someone else's husband was eating me up. When I told him this, he was crushed. I never gave him an ultimatum of any kind and yet he told his wife about us that very day.
His relationship with her is very strange to me. Although it is really none of my business, I am still very curious about it.
ML tells his wife, "I have slept with another woman" LW (lovers wife) asks "Is it over?" ML does not answer.
This was a week ago. LW's reaction totally shocks me. It is quite clear she wants to keep her marriage and yet, she is making no effort to do so. She isn't making plans to leave and is focusing on saving her marriage. That is understandable if the steps she is taking are "normal". If she was trying to talk it out, be affectionate, share her feelings, even tell him she loves him with all her heart. But they simply go on as if nothing had happened and no conversation had taken place.
I wonder what is wrong with her. Doesn't she have any pride? Why is she so willing to accept her husbands infidelity?
ML knows that if she isn't out of the picture shortly, he and I are done. My husband is just a nudge away from leaving anyway. He remains in my home by my good graces and patience. I will write about this later.
Why do you stay LW? Why do you want him if he doesn't want you?

The Game

2006-02-16T15:54:00.000-05:00

Do I love my husband? Do I love my lover?

Maybe.

They are both in love with me. They both treat me with respect and admiration. They both think I am special.

I have never been in love with my husband. I have no respect for him as a man. He is of weak character.

I have found my lover to be a bit weak as well. Why is it that weak men are so attracted to strong women? Initially when I started to fall for my lover, I thought he was a great deal stronger than he has turned out to be. This saddens me. I wanted someone to take control for once. To allow me to feel like a woman and not to have to shoulder another man's burdens but have someone to share in shouldering mine.

ML (My lover) is also married. He may be in the process of leaving his wife for me. I fear he will do that and I won't want him or I will take him out of obligation. What about my husband? If ML stands up and says he is going to take care of my kids and I, MH (my husband) would be asked to leave in a heartbeat.

What am I doing?

The Affair

2006-02-16T14:46:00.000-05:00

Blogging is supposed to be theraputic, right? Writing my inner most secrets and feelings for strangers to view and comment upon.

And I do have a lot of secrets.

Secrets from my husband.

Secrets from my lover.

Secrets from my children, friends and family.

I will not lie here. This is where I will attempt to figure out what the fuck I am doing and what I want.